Guest Post: from Daemon Surly Cat

Hi. Dis our berry first guest post and is  from our fren Daemon Surly Cat. it used to be on WordPress, but it so hard to use! Den we forgotted about it. and den couldn't log in for like ever. anyway, we moving our stuffs here.

So, here's the guest post. Dis lady had a bale, a bale (OMG, don't faint, Mr. Kitten), a bale of catnip deliver and, well, it was crazy.

-mr. kitten and twitch. okay, here post:

Hey Bloggy--sup Dude?

All is well while the family is away on vacation with your in-laws? I know you were soooooooo disappointed not to go. 2 whole weeks with the in-laws. YEAH RIGHT! I cant believe you got Bloggette to believe you had to work! Oh sorry--I keep forgetting Bloggette reads all your emails dude. Okay.

Well let me jump right into the fiasco with Daemon. This happened about 2 months ago, but I forgot about it until today. I dont think Toontses was involved this time, but only because he must have been at a movie opening or something. You know how it is with those celebrities . Otherwise I am sure he would have been right in the middle of it.

See, I knew Daemon did nip, but I didnt think it was all that bad. I mean, lots of cats do nip, right? And its natural, so whats wrong with that? Its legal, and they even make medicinal nip for cats with glasses or something like that. I mean, I knew Daemon did the nip in college, but of course he never inhaled. He was a member of the Zed Zed Zed Fraternity even. He had to out-sleep a lot of other plebes to make it in that fraternity. Ok. Let me get on with it. So I guess Ive established that I didnt think his nip-use was anything to worry about.

I had an appointment that day and I was out for most of the day. I had to take a nap with the Big Kitty when I got home and I didnt hear the UPS guy when he came. Not a problem on a regular day. So here I am in dreamland, dreaming about laying my head on a nice soft furry blanket, when I realize I am dreaming and it wakes me up. Now, you know I pay close attention to any suspicious behavior from my castle-rats. They are too devious and I have to stay alert. So as I wake up I realize that Cowgirl is laying draped across my neck with her paw over my ear and I cant hear anything. Now granted, Cowgirl has always been a very affectionate cat. Well I prefer to think of it as affection even if it does leave a lot of claw marks and dental impressions. She is a 3rd generation trash-can cat with those huge eyes that see threats where there are none. And some damn-sharp teeth. So I am used to finding her curled up in that armadillo-ball thing she does in an inconvenient crook when I wake up. Under my armpit, behind the knees, top of my foot, and her all-time favorite resting spot, on my pillow, between my shoulder and my head, with her cat-butt as close as she get to my face. I think she takes pleasure in grossing me out before I am even awake. I mean, who needs coffee when you are jumping backwards out of bed to avoid having cat-butt actually touch your face? So the suspicious part of Cowgirls behavior was no cat-butt to the face. And as I tried to roll over and get out from under her, she just rolled right along with me, keeping her paw over my ear.

Now I got Cowgirl when she was 5 weeks old, not weaned, mama gone, itsy-bitsy little thing with a lot of claws and a VERY loud voice. She would stand at the top of the stairs and cry and get the other cats all upset when I left her to go down and do laundry. So I got in the habit of carrying her up and down the stairs, putting her in my sweatshirt kangaroo pouch or inside my shirt so I could do what I needed to do and she wouldnt cry. In bed, if I rolled over, I just rolled her right over with me. She tried sleeping behind my back which isnt a good idea when you weigh less than ONE pound. So she is used to being handled and moved around in her sleep. But no butt was odd. And when I rolled over on my back she tried to cover BOTH my ears! Even not quite awake I knew something was amiss.

As I gave a listen, I heard confusing things. I heard what sounded like the part of that movie Open Season where the deer is throwing bunnies instead of pebbles against the window to wake up the bear. Not too loud, but frantic. I can hear what sounds like a lawn mower out in my front yard. And some kind of weird music. That turned out to be Soprano walking on the keyboard of the electric piano. That Soprano--she'll do anything for some chicken! You know "hey-get-off-that-piano-heres-a-treat-good-kitty" kind of stuff. Anyway, so I can hear a lawn mower in my front yard, some kind of splatting against the front door, and faintly I can hear what sounds like a hundred cats yodeling all at the same time outside.

You know how my cats try to kill me every day when I come home by tripping me on the stairs, or wrapping around my legs as I am walking away from their food bowls when I havent put anything in them? Well Cowgirl was running back and forth in front of me so frantically I thought she had locked herself out of the bathroom or something! I tried to pick her up but she did her sideways-hissing-cat-crouching-knucklehead thing she does, then she tripped over the edge of the rug and fell over. Im not sure if you know the protocol for that sort of "foe pah"(as Daemon calls it). She is required by the Feline Rules of Etiquette (to which all of my cats strictly adhere)(they made me write that) to lay where fallen and take an intense tounge-bath for no less than 5 strokes; then rise and saunter off in a huff, tail up. HAH! And Daemon says He-OOMANS AIRE STE-OOPeeT! So she was out from under my feet at that point, but in big trouble with Daemon for not being on look-out.

As I rounded the corner by the front door, I saw Daemon throwing himself up against the front door, grabbing at the doorknob! He looked like he was having so much fun I just left him to it. I mean, he has no thumbs so its not like he was going to be able to open the door, right? As you will see in a minute, that little detail was the downfall of this latest plan.

I looked out the kitchen window to see who was mowing my grass. It wasnt a lawnmower Bloggy---it was every cat from my neighborhood and all the surrounding neighborhoods! My front yard was covered with cats, and all of the cats were covered with CATNIP! Have you ever heard a hundred cats purr all at the same time Bloggy? No? Well let me tell you--it sounds like a lawn mower! The catnip was so thick in my yard it was blowing over into the neighbors yard like hay in the wind. What a mess I tell you!

So I shooed all the cats away (ever try to herd cats Bloggy? No? Well dont bother.) by raking up the catnip, which I then dumped in my neighbors yard a few houses down who always has loud parties with lots of guests who all drive SUVs and who take up every parking spot on the street. Seems like fair to me--street full of cars and LOUD music in exchange for a backyard full of catpoop. Oh yeah--the cats went where the catnip went. OOPS! I actually wouldnt mind the music so much of he would turn it up maybe a half decibel louder so I could understand the words! So back to Daemon. I had to squeeze out the front door so he couldnt get out. He was quite upset you see.

The one little flaw in his plan was the business about the thumbs. He was perfect when he found the website where you can order catnip by the bale. Perfect when he dug my credit card out of my purse while I wasnt paying attention, and completed his order online, including printing out the receipt! (I really think Daemon did it to get back at me for making him do his own drawings last week when he took up fashion design for a few hours.) He ordered the catnip, to be delivered by UPS Overnight express delivery, and forgot that he cant open the front door! Yeah--the no thumb thing. He had already started bragging to the neighbors cat across the street that he was going to have an unlimited supply of nip and it was to be delivered the next day. Word got out fast, and so did all the cats.

So there we have it Bloggy. Those cats tore that bale of catnip apart like sharks attacking a box of chocolates after Lent! Oh, I mean ..um..well yes Bloggy, sharks don’t actually eat chocolate or celebrate Lent, but you get the picture. Yeah. Maybe it was more like one of those ”gone wild” videos—you’ve seen them, right? The ones my cousin puts on U-TUBE? Im sure you have—remember  “Pie-Eating Contestants Gone Wild”? Or the latest one “Quilters Gone Wild” ? Well yes that one isn’t such a good example. The UPS guy did tell me to have my catnip delivered by Fed-Ex next time please, as he was afraid for his trouser legs.

Ahh Daemon--that big ego and no thumbs with which to back it up.

Once again,  a cat without a plan. Well not one that works anyway. So I was reminded about all this when the neighbors  (all the cat-owning neighbors that is) came by the house today. Seems that there was a HUGE number of kittens born all on the same day up and down the street and a few streets over too. So odd. A mystery in fact, until some neighbors were chatting,  as neighbors do, and the whole catnip-bale-party thing came out. You would have thought I had a kegger for all the toddlers on my street Bloggy! Its not my fault that screens got ripped out of doors and windows when all the cats got loose! And it certainly isnt my fault all the cats went over to my neighbors yard and had an orgy! He shouldnt have such loud parties!

Give my love to Bloggette and Little Bloggy (see--I remembered not to call him BABY Bloggy)

Rubydoo, Daemon Surlycat, Soprano "got chicken?" Catface, and Spotty Cowgirl.

PS. I still havent found a home for those ants Bloggy, but I am still looking. It was very nice of you to foster them for me until I can find a home where the owner doesnt want to squash them. And yes, it was a surprise to me too just how many there were!

PSS. And yes we are all glad Daemon is going to NA now (Nip Anonymous) for his nip problem. Seems a lot of the cats on my street go to those meetings too now...

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