Cat's Eye Digicam
a story by the Anchorite
Mr. Kitten did not know his true birthday, so he and his human established the tradition to celebrate it on the date that she adopted him from the shelter. That tradition worked for Mr. Kitten as he contentedly received generous gifts every year, while he repaid his human’s kindness with several gifts of his own. She especially loved the dead birds and occasional mice.
This year, Mr. Kitten wanted a camera because he wanted to become a photographer. He did not want just any camera, but the top-of-the-line Cat’s Eye Digicam with the sharpest image resolution and largest memory capacity on the market. Mr. Kitten never accepted anything less than the best.
His human unfortunately lost her job a scant week before celebrating Mr. Kitten’s birthday. She panicked and considered foregoing the lavish gift to save money, but she valued her cat’s happiness and still purchased the camera despite facing an uncertain financial future. Mr. Kitten appreciated the gesture as he happily took photos that he posted on his blog.
His human had to tighten her belt as she had to provide for herself and her cats with a limited supply of severance and unemployment checks, so she cut the food budget and fed Mr. Kitten lower quality cat food than what he normally ate. Mr. Kitten would have previously refused to eat such inferior swill, but he saw his human hurting and realized the sacrifice that she made to feed him that much. He wrinkled his nose and begrudgingly ate the cheap cat food. In the back of his mind, he vowed to find a way to apply his photography skills to his help out his human.
Mr. Kitten saw her come home day after day in exhausted tears after an endless parade of failed job interviews with countless doors slammed in her face. Mr. Kitten’s close friend Twitch offhandedly suggested that her luck could not be this bad. Mr. Kitten pondered that notion as he thought that despite his often questionable ideas, even a broken clock was right twice a day. Mr. Kitten suggested investigating these prospective employers with his camera in tow. Twitch insisted that he should go out in the field because it was his idea. Mr. Kitten suspected that Twitch just wanted an excuse to play with the camera, but he allowed his friend to take the camera as he trailed their human’s job search. Twitch returned with the camera’s memory filled entirely with black screens because he forgot to open the shutter. Mr. Kitten rolled his eyes, snatched the Cat’s Eye Digicam from Twitch, and then bit his tail to send him running away.
Mr. Kitten followed his human on her job interviews, often sneaking out during his own lunch hour and taking extended breaks from his own job. His efforts led to prolonged absences and diminished performance that caught the attention of his supervisor Anton Fitzgibbon. The Chaircat of the Internetz called Kitten into his office with a gruff bellow and demanded an explanation. Anton listened with impassive silence as Mr. Kitten explained his situation. The Chaircat recently opened his heart to a human’s love after many years spent alone, so Mr. Kitten’s story gained his sympathy. Anton immediately granted Mr. Kitten an extended leave of absence with full pay, placed the Internetz A/V department at his disposal, provided a discretionary expense account, and even placed Warrior Cat on retainer for any potential wetwork. Mr. Kitten thanked his boss and set out on his mission, feeling slightly remorseful for the “Ditzy Fitzy” graffiti and crude caricatures that he scrawled throughout the office.
Mr. Kitten’s keen eye and high-resolution photos uncovered deliberate efforts from crooked employers to keep his human unemployed as they gouged their own clients. Mr. Kitten frowned as he thought that no matter how strict or uptight Anton behaved, albeit less so after adoption by his new human, he ran his business with honor and integrity. Mr. Kitten eagerly took photos and anonymously sent them to these bad humans, urging them to reconsider their hiring decisions if they wanted these incriminating photos to disappear.
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| Twitch (with Mr. Kitten's butt in background) |
Back at home, his human barely held back tears of joys as rejections turned into offers. Before she knew it, she found herself in the position of having to choose between competing prospects who practically begged for attention. She finally accepted a generous offer where she had a private office and no dysfunctional crazies to drive her mad at work. Mr. Kitten and Twitch once again enjoyed premium cat food and repaid their human’s kindness by dragging a raccoon corpse into the house. Mr. Kitten knew that she would be happy after seeing the size of this dead creature.
Twitch begged Mr. Kitten to borrow the Cat’s Eye Digicam now that he completed his mission, but Mr. Kitten had a better idea. Mr. Kitten kept a list of every job interview of their human’s job search, so he sent Twitch on a mission to visit every one of those shady employers that rejected their human, barf on their shoes, leave hairballs on their floors, and take high-resolution digital photographs of each one. Twitch excitedly set out on his own mission. Mr. Kitten warned him to not get any barf on his precious camera or else he would bite Twitch’s tail so hard that he would beg for Warrior Cat to put him out of his misery. Twitch told him to relax and not worry about anything, which did not reassure him in the slightest and instead gave Mr. Kitten a new perspective on all the times he made similar promises to Anton Fitzgibbon.
Before Twitch departed, their human hugged and kissed both cats. She radiated happiness at once again securing gainful employment and told her beloved pets, “Who says black cats are bad luck?”
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| Photo credit: Twitch McLaughlin |
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